The Top 5 Sex Rules That Get In the Way of Great Sex
By
Tara Few
Each of us believes and defends our own set of sex rules. These
rules are not facts. They are judgements and opinions that we believe to
be real. It is important to recognise and examine the Sex Rules that we
are carrying around with us and into every sexual encounter.
We learn about sex from our experiences, from other people and the world around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex is, what sex should be, how often we should be having sex, who we ought to be having sex with. We are all free to form our own opinions as to what we think about sex, what men are like, what women are like. Sometimes we choose to believe things that do not help us find and sustain sexual pleasure. Instead we buy into rules that lead us to suppress our deepest desires and to deny the hope that things can get better.
Some of your Sex Rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs about your entitlement to pleasure, your freedom to explore what sexual fulfilment means to you and recognition of your entitlement to awaken and celebrate your sexual potential. You are probably also investing in other beliefs, which may be destructive to having great sexual experiences and are actually a source of anxiety and insecurity that undermines your confidence. Awareness is key to change. So take a look at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which ones sound familiar.
1. SHE/HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON
If we hold on to the idea that it is someone else's responsibility to 'give' us an orgasm, then we are abandoning our own responsibility. We are ALL different. There are no magical techniques that will send every single person into the throes of sexual ecstacy. Expecting your partner to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows you to remain detached from your own sexuality and lets you hang onto an imagined sense of safety through the lack of your own participation and responsibility. You need to put yourself on the line and put out there what it is that you want. It may be easier to listen
to your fears and stay silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up you will build up your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself and your sexual desires. You also enable your partner to do the same and both of you are starting to build successful sexual communication that will help you to find sexual fulfilment.
Any situation in which our anger and frustration are motivated by 'shoulds' indicated an abdication of responsibility. Mind reading, making assumptions about what other people should know, relieves you of having to go outside your familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves to the risk of 'failure', not getting right what they 'should' already know. Do not make other people do the work for you, trying to guess what it is that you want. It is not a successful strategy for great sex and it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection each time somebody fails to behave as you expect him or her to.
2 SEXUAL PASSION IS DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DECLINE.
The dizzying chemistry of the first months can be turned into a deeper sex-self-spirit connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Do not give up trying; the less sex you have the easier it is to convince yourself that it isn't important and so you decide to bury your disappointment and frustration. In any relationship, levels of desire will fluctuate. This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate with each other and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term relationship. This can easily lead to a situation in which there is no longer any physical touch between you and your partner and emotional connection and intimacy levels will begin to diminish.
Although it may not be easy, find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel that you are not happy with your current sex life otherwise your resentment that your sexual needs are unacknowledged and unmet can seep out and affect the general state of your relationship. You need to recognise that sometimes better sex takes some effort, time and commitment. It may not sound very sexy but sexiness is all in your perception. Some people choose to investigate Tantric practices, which widen the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can be experienced beyond the typical Western penetration-ejaculation approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is enough to re-ignite the sense of intimacy and enjoyment that has been lost.
3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX, ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE
This conviction completely simplifies and trivialises men's sexual responses. Men's levels of desire are affected by their thoughts and feelings, just as women's are. Men are not sexual machines who ready to perform upon command, although many messages that we receive about sex tell us that this is the case. This puts tremendous pressure on the man, leading to the performance anxiety that is familiar to many men. Somehow, when sex fails, for some women it is easier to blame the man rather than acknowledging that sexual connections between two people are controlled and created by both of those people, not just the man. When a woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling undesirable and unwanted whenever her partner does not want to have sex. For some women reflecting upon their assumptions can enable them to take more responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and for men, it can come as a welcome relief from taking total responsibility for giving a woman the 'gift' of sexual pleasure.
4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.
Learning more and better sex tips and tricks to bring you greater sexual satisfaction is not always the key to sexual fulfilment. Some people do have great sex lives and want to learn more about how to make it even better. In this kind of situation, tips and tricks can add another element to the relationship. However, if your sex life is not fulfilling you, expecting a quick fix in the form of 'things' to do to and with your partner is unlikely to bring you what you want. Technical proficiency alone can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if not for you than possibly for your partner. It comes back to the sex-self-spirit connection. Finding sexual happiness is not only about what you do. It is also about who you are. How willing are you to show yourself to another person. Can you let go enough emotionally and physically to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of being.
5. MASTURBATION IS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR 'PROPER' SEX.
Masturbation is a fantastic way to enhance partner sex because it is all about exploring your own sexual potential. You do not need a lover to explore your own sexuality and raise your sexual energy. In fact, the more you know about your own sexual response, the better the lover you can become. When you take responsibility for knowing about what you like and dislike, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please you. Most people like to be told and your clarity will give both of you greater confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people view masturbation as something of a last resort for a single person. However, learning how to pleasure yourself enables you to develop a rich fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other people.
Creating sustained sexual happiness requires you to be comfortable with who you are and that you are aware of your sexual style, likes and dislikes. You need to be able to communicate this to another person and not to be inhibited by fears of other people's possible perceptions. Other people's reactions are their problem, their issues - not yours. It can seem as if you have to take on board the discomfort and judgements of others but you do not. Remember that you get to decide how to react to other people and you can choose to be courageous, confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who you are as a sexual being.
We learn about sex from our experiences, from other people and the world around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex is, what sex should be, how often we should be having sex, who we ought to be having sex with. We are all free to form our own opinions as to what we think about sex, what men are like, what women are like. Sometimes we choose to believe things that do not help us find and sustain sexual pleasure. Instead we buy into rules that lead us to suppress our deepest desires and to deny the hope that things can get better.
Some of your Sex Rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs about your entitlement to pleasure, your freedom to explore what sexual fulfilment means to you and recognition of your entitlement to awaken and celebrate your sexual potential. You are probably also investing in other beliefs, which may be destructive to having great sexual experiences and are actually a source of anxiety and insecurity that undermines your confidence. Awareness is key to change. So take a look at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which ones sound familiar.
1. SHE/HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON
If we hold on to the idea that it is someone else's responsibility to 'give' us an orgasm, then we are abandoning our own responsibility. We are ALL different. There are no magical techniques that will send every single person into the throes of sexual ecstacy. Expecting your partner to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows you to remain detached from your own sexuality and lets you hang onto an imagined sense of safety through the lack of your own participation and responsibility. You need to put yourself on the line and put out there what it is that you want. It may be easier to listen
to your fears and stay silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up you will build up your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself and your sexual desires. You also enable your partner to do the same and both of you are starting to build successful sexual communication that will help you to find sexual fulfilment.
Any situation in which our anger and frustration are motivated by 'shoulds' indicated an abdication of responsibility. Mind reading, making assumptions about what other people should know, relieves you of having to go outside your familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves to the risk of 'failure', not getting right what they 'should' already know. Do not make other people do the work for you, trying to guess what it is that you want. It is not a successful strategy for great sex and it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection each time somebody fails to behave as you expect him or her to.
2 SEXUAL PASSION IS DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DECLINE.
The dizzying chemistry of the first months can be turned into a deeper sex-self-spirit connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Do not give up trying; the less sex you have the easier it is to convince yourself that it isn't important and so you decide to bury your disappointment and frustration. In any relationship, levels of desire will fluctuate. This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate with each other and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term relationship. This can easily lead to a situation in which there is no longer any physical touch between you and your partner and emotional connection and intimacy levels will begin to diminish.
Although it may not be easy, find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel that you are not happy with your current sex life otherwise your resentment that your sexual needs are unacknowledged and unmet can seep out and affect the general state of your relationship. You need to recognise that sometimes better sex takes some effort, time and commitment. It may not sound very sexy but sexiness is all in your perception. Some people choose to investigate Tantric practices, which widen the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can be experienced beyond the typical Western penetration-ejaculation approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is enough to re-ignite the sense of intimacy and enjoyment that has been lost.
3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX, ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE
This conviction completely simplifies and trivialises men's sexual responses. Men's levels of desire are affected by their thoughts and feelings, just as women's are. Men are not sexual machines who ready to perform upon command, although many messages that we receive about sex tell us that this is the case. This puts tremendous pressure on the man, leading to the performance anxiety that is familiar to many men. Somehow, when sex fails, for some women it is easier to blame the man rather than acknowledging that sexual connections between two people are controlled and created by both of those people, not just the man. When a woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling undesirable and unwanted whenever her partner does not want to have sex. For some women reflecting upon their assumptions can enable them to take more responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and for men, it can come as a welcome relief from taking total responsibility for giving a woman the 'gift' of sexual pleasure.
4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.
Learning more and better sex tips and tricks to bring you greater sexual satisfaction is not always the key to sexual fulfilment. Some people do have great sex lives and want to learn more about how to make it even better. In this kind of situation, tips and tricks can add another element to the relationship. However, if your sex life is not fulfilling you, expecting a quick fix in the form of 'things' to do to and with your partner is unlikely to bring you what you want. Technical proficiency alone can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if not for you than possibly for your partner. It comes back to the sex-self-spirit connection. Finding sexual happiness is not only about what you do. It is also about who you are. How willing are you to show yourself to another person. Can you let go enough emotionally and physically to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of being.
5. MASTURBATION IS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR 'PROPER' SEX.
Masturbation is a fantastic way to enhance partner sex because it is all about exploring your own sexual potential. You do not need a lover to explore your own sexuality and raise your sexual energy. In fact, the more you know about your own sexual response, the better the lover you can become. When you take responsibility for knowing about what you like and dislike, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please you. Most people like to be told and your clarity will give both of you greater confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people view masturbation as something of a last resort for a single person. However, learning how to pleasure yourself enables you to develop a rich fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other people.
Creating sustained sexual happiness requires you to be comfortable with who you are and that you are aware of your sexual style, likes and dislikes. You need to be able to communicate this to another person and not to be inhibited by fears of other people's possible perceptions. Other people's reactions are their problem, their issues - not yours. It can seem as if you have to take on board the discomfort and judgements of others but you do not. Remember that you get to decide how to react to other people and you can choose to be courageous, confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who you are as a sexual being.
(c) Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. http://www.uksexcoach.com
I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that
sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from
their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style,
desires and needs. Connnect to the fun and pleasure potential of your
sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more
confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more
accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me on tara@aragoncoaching.co.ukTo
receive regular tips, techniques, articles and resources about sex,
sign-up for my monthly eZine VENTURESQUE using the sign-up box on my
website. http://www.uksexcoach.com
The Amazing Range Of Sex Toys
The variety of sex toys is surprising. Sex toys vary from purely
male or purely female sex toys to toys that can be used by both sexes.
There are also some sex toys that can also be classified as sex aids or
marital aids.
The Purpose Of Sex Toys
Some sex toys aid the man's erection, stimulate the female genitals to become more sensitive or provide a different feel to 'normal' sex. Other sex toys provide an 'environment' for variations in sex, for example so called orgy bed sheets. Sometimes they are used to help a person who has difficulty with unaided sex to achieve sexual satisfaction. However most sex toys provide a new way to directly stimulate the male or female genitals to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Using sex toys can provide new experiences and variation in the sexual experience. It can also provide a fantasy element for enhancing or revitalising a relationship.
The usual expectation is that a sex toy provides direct stimulation of the genitals in foreplay and/or during sexual intercourse or as a means to obtain orgasm through only the stimulation provided by the sex toy.
Types of Sex Toys
Vibrating Sex Toys
Probably the most well known sex toys are 'vibrators' which, as the name suggests, provide stimulation of the genitals using vibration. They are mainly used to stimulate the clitoris, but may also be used to stimulate any other part of the female body or that of a man's.
The simplest of these are pencil or wand shaped (though normally thicker than a pencil). They often have an internal battery (or two) which powers a small electric motor. Sometimes the battery pack and controller are external and connected to the vibrator by a wire. This motor is fitted with a small, out of balance, weight attached to the shaft. As this weight rotates it throws the motor and vibrator into a small circular movement which causes the vibration you feel.
With a vibrator that has a controller, as the power is increased the speed of the motor increases and with it both the rate and strength of vibration. Both the strength and rate of vibration effects how stimulating you find the sex toy. The best effect may not be as strong and as fast as possible. The optimum settings may well change as your degree of excitement builds. To get the best results it is worth buying a vibrator which is controllable.
Different vibrators will have different characteristics and you may well find you prefer one combination much more than another and your preference may even vary depending on which part of your body you are stimulating.
More recently electronic vibrator controllers have appeared which provide not only the static control of power/speed but also allow you to select patterns of power pulses and surges. These can be very effective.
There are also other vibrating sex toys such as butterfly stimulators and vibrating penis rings.
Other Powered Sex Toys
There are some sex toys that use other ways to provide mechanical stimulation. These usually depend on a motor that makes the sex toy continually change its shape which provides a sort of rotational movement or makes it move back and forth. The back and forth movements are sometimes powered by an air pump rather than a motor. The movements have been used to create, for example, mechanical licking tongues, vibrators that 'penetrate' the vagina and mouth simulators to give a man a 'blow job'.
On a bigger scale and much more expensive, there are 'sex machines' that incorporate thrusting and vibrating dildos.
Combination Sex Toys
So far we have covered vibrating, moving and thrusting sex toys. As you may have guessed these are all offered in a bewildering array of combinations.
A common combination in many 'Rabbit Style' vibrators is clitoral stimulation using vibrations and vaginal stimulation using movement and sometimes a thrusting motion as well.
Many sex toys add varying textures to their surfaces; a dildo or vibrator may have ridges or soft spikes or a rippled shape.
Sensation Change Sex Toys
Some sex toys rather than provide vibrating or moving stimulation, change the feel of sex.
For instance there are a variety of sleeves to put over the penis to provide different sensations for both partners while engaged in penetrative sex.
There are rings that squeeze the base of the penis and/or tighten the scrotum that assist the man's erection and also changes his sensations. There are penis extenders and thickeners which may give a man's partner greater sensations during penetration.
There are a wide variety of lubricants that can significantly change the feel of sex.
There are PVC and Polyurethane bed sheets that are water and oil proof that can be used for slippery or messy sex.
Why Use A Sex Toy?
A good question is: why do people use a sex toy? Surely fingers, tongues, penises, clitorises and vaginas etc all provide great sexual stimulation and enjoyment.
Well, apart from therapeutic uses (eg erection assistance), sex toys can drive the imagination (being taken by a machine), provide variety (new ways to do old things), vary the stimulating effects in otherwise normal sex (penis sleeves) and some can provide experiences not possible with 'normal body parts' (particularly vibrating sex toys and electro-stimulation).
Where To Start
If you have not tried a sex toy before and don't yet have an idea of what you might like, try one of the simpler vibrators first. Most probably you will enjoy the experience and then start to wonder what other delights can be found with more sophisticated vibrators and other sex toys ...
If you then find you do enjoy sex toys try out a few others and find what suits you. Above all, have fun trying them out!
The Purpose Of Sex Toys
Some sex toys aid the man's erection, stimulate the female genitals to become more sensitive or provide a different feel to 'normal' sex. Other sex toys provide an 'environment' for variations in sex, for example so called orgy bed sheets. Sometimes they are used to help a person who has difficulty with unaided sex to achieve sexual satisfaction. However most sex toys provide a new way to directly stimulate the male or female genitals to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Using sex toys can provide new experiences and variation in the sexual experience. It can also provide a fantasy element for enhancing or revitalising a relationship.
The usual expectation is that a sex toy provides direct stimulation of the genitals in foreplay and/or during sexual intercourse or as a means to obtain orgasm through only the stimulation provided by the sex toy.
Types of Sex Toys
Vibrating Sex Toys
Probably the most well known sex toys are 'vibrators' which, as the name suggests, provide stimulation of the genitals using vibration. They are mainly used to stimulate the clitoris, but may also be used to stimulate any other part of the female body or that of a man's.
The simplest of these are pencil or wand shaped (though normally thicker than a pencil). They often have an internal battery (or two) which powers a small electric motor. Sometimes the battery pack and controller are external and connected to the vibrator by a wire. This motor is fitted with a small, out of balance, weight attached to the shaft. As this weight rotates it throws the motor and vibrator into a small circular movement which causes the vibration you feel.
With a vibrator that has a controller, as the power is increased the speed of the motor increases and with it both the rate and strength of vibration. Both the strength and rate of vibration effects how stimulating you find the sex toy. The best effect may not be as strong and as fast as possible. The optimum settings may well change as your degree of excitement builds. To get the best results it is worth buying a vibrator which is controllable.
Different vibrators will have different characteristics and you may well find you prefer one combination much more than another and your preference may even vary depending on which part of your body you are stimulating.
More recently electronic vibrator controllers have appeared which provide not only the static control of power/speed but also allow you to select patterns of power pulses and surges. These can be very effective.
There are also other vibrating sex toys such as butterfly stimulators and vibrating penis rings.
Other Powered Sex Toys
There are some sex toys that use other ways to provide mechanical stimulation. These usually depend on a motor that makes the sex toy continually change its shape which provides a sort of rotational movement or makes it move back and forth. The back and forth movements are sometimes powered by an air pump rather than a motor. The movements have been used to create, for example, mechanical licking tongues, vibrators that 'penetrate' the vagina and mouth simulators to give a man a 'blow job'.
On a bigger scale and much more expensive, there are 'sex machines' that incorporate thrusting and vibrating dildos.
Combination Sex Toys
So far we have covered vibrating, moving and thrusting sex toys. As you may have guessed these are all offered in a bewildering array of combinations.
A common combination in many 'Rabbit Style' vibrators is clitoral stimulation using vibrations and vaginal stimulation using movement and sometimes a thrusting motion as well.
Many sex toys add varying textures to their surfaces; a dildo or vibrator may have ridges or soft spikes or a rippled shape.
Sensation Change Sex Toys
Some sex toys rather than provide vibrating or moving stimulation, change the feel of sex.
For instance there are a variety of sleeves to put over the penis to provide different sensations for both partners while engaged in penetrative sex.
There are rings that squeeze the base of the penis and/or tighten the scrotum that assist the man's erection and also changes his sensations. There are penis extenders and thickeners which may give a man's partner greater sensations during penetration.
There are a wide variety of lubricants that can significantly change the feel of sex.
There are PVC and Polyurethane bed sheets that are water and oil proof that can be used for slippery or messy sex.
Why Use A Sex Toy?
A good question is: why do people use a sex toy? Surely fingers, tongues, penises, clitorises and vaginas etc all provide great sexual stimulation and enjoyment.
Well, apart from therapeutic uses (eg erection assistance), sex toys can drive the imagination (being taken by a machine), provide variety (new ways to do old things), vary the stimulating effects in otherwise normal sex (penis sleeves) and some can provide experiences not possible with 'normal body parts' (particularly vibrating sex toys and electro-stimulation).
Where To Start
If you have not tried a sex toy before and don't yet have an idea of what you might like, try one of the simpler vibrators first. Most probably you will enjoy the experience and then start to wonder what other delights can be found with more sophisticated vibrators and other sex toys ...
If you then find you do enjoy sex toys try out a few others and find what suits you. Above all, have fun trying them out!
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