Each of us believes and defends our own set of sex rules. These
rules are not facts. They are judgements and opinions that we believe to
be real. It is important to recognise and examine the Sex Rules that we
are carrying around with us and into every sexual encounter.
We
learn about sex from our experiences, from other people and the world
around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex
is, what sex should be, how often we should be having sex, who we ought
to be having sex with. We are all free to form our own opinions as to
what we think about sex, what men are like, what women are like.
Sometimes we choose to believe things that do not help us find and
sustain sexual pleasure. Instead we buy into rules that lead us to
suppress our deepest desires and to deny the hope that things can get
better.
Some of your Sex Rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs
about your entitlement to pleasure, your freedom to explore what sexual
fulfilment means to you and recognition of your entitlement to awaken
and celebrate your sexual potential. You are probably also investing in
other beliefs, which may be destructive to having great sexual
experiences and are actually a source of anxiety and insecurity that
undermines your confidence. Awareness is key to change. So take a look
at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which
ones sound familiar.
1. SHE/HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON
If
we hold on to the idea that it is someone else's responsibility to
'give' us an orgasm, then we are abandoning our own responsibility. We
are ALL different. There are no magical techniques that will send every
single person into the throes of sexual ecstacy. Expecting your partner
to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows
you to remain detached from your own sexuality and lets you hang onto an
imagined sense of safety through the lack of your own participation and
responsibility. You need to put yourself on the line and put out there
what it is that you want. It may be easier to listen
to your fears
and stay silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up you will
build up your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself
and your sexual desires. You also enable your partner to do the same and
both of you are starting to build successful sexual communication that
will help you to find sexual fulfilment.
Any situation in which
our anger and frustration are motivated by 'shoulds' indicated an
abdication of responsibility. Mind reading, making assumptions about
what other people should know, relieves you of having to go outside your
familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You
expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves
to the risk of 'failure', not getting right what they 'should' already
know. Do not make other people do the work for you, trying to guess what
it is that you want. It is not a successful strategy for great sex and
it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection
each time somebody fails to behave as you expect him or her to.
2 SEXUAL PASSION IS DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DECLINE.
The
dizzying chemistry of the first months can be turned into a deeper
sex-self-spirit connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Do not give
up trying; the less sex you have the easier it is to convince yourself
that it isn't important and so you decide to bury your disappointment
and frustration. In any relationship, levels of desire will fluctuate.
This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate with each
other and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this
belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and
stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term
relationship. This can easily lead to a situation in which there is no
longer any physical touch between you and your partner and emotional
connection and intimacy levels will begin to diminish.
Although it
may not be easy, find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel
that you are not happy with your current sex life otherwise your
resentment that your sexual needs are unacknowledged and unmet can seep
out and affect the general state of your relationship. You need to
recognise that sometimes better sex takes some effort, time and
commitment. It may not sound very sexy but sexiness is all in your
perception. Some people choose to investigate Tantric practices, which
widen the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can
be experienced beyond the typical Western penetration-ejaculation
approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is
enough to re-ignite the sense of intimacy and enjoyment that has been
lost.
3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX, ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE
This
conviction completely simplifies and trivialises men's sexual
responses. Men's levels of desire are affected by their thoughts and
feelings, just as women's are. Men are not sexual machines who ready to
perform upon command, although many messages that we receive about sex
tell us that this is the case. This puts tremendous pressure on the man,
leading to the performance anxiety that is familiar to many men.
Somehow, when sex fails, for some women it is easier to blame the man
rather than acknowledging that sexual connections between two people are
controlled and created by both of those people, not just the man. When a
woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling
undesirable and unwanted whenever her partner does not want to have sex.
For some women reflecting upon their assumptions can enable them to
take more responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and for men, it
can come as a welcome relief from taking total responsibility for giving
a woman the 'gift' of sexual pleasure.
4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.
Learning
more and better sex tips and tricks to bring you greater sexual
satisfaction is not always the key to sexual fulfilment. Some people do
have great sex lives and want to learn more about how to make it even
better. In this kind of situation, tips and tricks can add another
element to the relationship. However, if your sex life is not fulfilling
you, expecting a quick fix in the form of 'things' to do to and with
your partner is unlikely to bring you what you want. Technical
proficiency alone can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if
not for you than possibly for your partner. It comes back to the
sex-self-spirit connection. Finding sexual happiness is not only about
what you do. It is also about who you are. How willing are you to show
yourself to another person. Can you let go enough emotionally and
physically to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis
on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of
being.
5. MASTURBATION IS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR 'PROPER' SEX.
Masturbation
is a fantastic way to enhance partner sex because it is all about
exploring your own sexual potential. You do not need a lover to explore
your own sexuality and raise your sexual energy. In fact, the more you
know about your own sexual response, the better the lover you can
become. When you take responsibility for knowing about what you like and
dislike, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please
you. Most people like to be told and your clarity will give both of you
greater confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people
view masturbation as something of a last resort for a single person.
However, learning how to pleasure yourself enables you to develop a rich
fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other
people.
Creating sustained sexual happiness requires you to be
comfortable with who you are and that you are aware of your sexual
style, likes and dislikes. You need to be able to communicate this to
another person and not to be inhibited by fears of other people's
possible perceptions. Other people's reactions are their problem, their
issues - not yours. It can seem as if you have to take on board the
discomfort and judgements of others but you do not. Remember that you
get to decide how to react to other people and you can choose to be
courageous, confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who
you are as a sexual being.
(c) Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach.
http://www.uksexcoach.com
I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that
sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from
their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style,
desires and needs. Connnect to the fun and pleasure potential of your
sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more
confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more
accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me on
tara@aragoncoaching.co.ukTo
receive regular tips, techniques, articles and resources about sex,
sign-up for my monthly eZine VENTURESQUE using the sign-up box on my
website.
http://www.uksexcoach.com
The Amazing Range Of Sex Toys
The variety of sex toys is surprising. Sex toys vary from purely
male or purely female sex toys to toys that can be used by both sexes.
There are also some sex toys that can also be classified as sex aids or
marital aids.
The Purpose Of Sex Toys
Some sex toys
aid the man's erection, stimulate the female genitals to become more
sensitive or provide a different feel to 'normal' sex. Other sex toys
provide an 'environment' for variations in sex, for example so called
orgy bed sheets. Sometimes they are used to help a person who has
difficulty with unaided sex to achieve sexual satisfaction. However most
sex toys provide a new way to directly stimulate the male or female
genitals to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Using sex toys can
provide new experiences and variation in the sexual experience. It can
also provide a fantasy element for enhancing or revitalising a
relationship.
The usual expectation is that a sex toy provides
direct stimulation of the genitals in foreplay and/or during sexual
intercourse or as a means to obtain orgasm through only the stimulation
provided by the sex toy.
Types of Sex Toys
Vibrating Sex Toys
Probably
the most well known sex toys are 'vibrators' which, as the name
suggests, provide stimulation of the genitals using vibration. They are
mainly used to stimulate the clitoris, but may also be used to stimulate
any other part of the female body or that of a man's.
The
simplest of these are pencil or wand shaped (though normally thicker
than a pencil). They often have an internal battery (or two) which
powers a small electric motor. Sometimes the battery pack and controller
are external and connected to the vibrator by a wire. This motor is
fitted with a small, out of balance, weight attached to the shaft. As
this weight rotates it throws the motor and vibrator into a small
circular movement which causes the vibration you feel.
With a
vibrator that has a controller, as the power is increased the speed of
the motor increases and with it both the rate and strength of vibration.
Both the strength and rate of vibration effects how stimulating you
find the sex toy. The best effect may not be as strong and as fast as
possible. The optimum settings may well change as your degree of
excitement builds. To get the best results it is worth buying a vibrator
which is controllable.
Different vibrators will have different
characteristics and you may well find you prefer one combination much
more than another and your preference may even vary depending on which
part of your body you are stimulating.
More recently electronic
vibrator controllers have appeared which provide not only the static
control of power/speed but also allow you to select patterns of power
pulses and surges. These can be very effective.
There are also other vibrating sex toys such as butterfly stimulators and vibrating penis rings.
Other Powered Sex Toys
There
are some sex toys that use other ways to provide mechanical
stimulation. These usually depend on a motor that makes the sex toy
continually change its shape which provides a sort of rotational
movement or makes it move back and forth. The back and forth movements
are sometimes powered by an air pump rather than a motor. The movements
have been used to create, for example, mechanical licking tongues,
vibrators that 'penetrate' the vagina and mouth simulators to give a man
a 'blow job'.
On a bigger scale and much more expensive, there are 'sex machines' that incorporate thrusting and vibrating dildos.
Combination Sex Toys
So
far we have covered vibrating, moving and thrusting sex toys. As you
may have guessed these are all offered in a bewildering array of
combinations.
A common combination in many 'Rabbit Style'
vibrators is clitoral stimulation using vibrations and vaginal
stimulation using movement and sometimes a thrusting motion as well.
Many sex toys add varying textures to their surfaces; a dildo or vibrator may have ridges or soft spikes or a rippled shape.
Sensation Change Sex Toys
Some sex toys rather than provide vibrating or moving stimulation, change the feel of sex.
For
instance there are a variety of sleeves to put over the penis to
provide different sensations for both partners while engaged in
penetrative sex.
There are rings that squeeze the base of the
penis and/or tighten the scrotum that assist the man's erection and also
changes his sensations. There are penis extenders and thickeners which
may give a man's partner greater sensations during penetration.
There are a wide variety of lubricants that can significantly change the feel of sex.
There are PVC and Polyurethane bed sheets that are water and oil proof that can be used for slippery or messy sex.
Why Use A Sex Toy?
A
good question is: why do people use a sex toy? Surely fingers, tongues,
penises, clitorises and vaginas etc all provide great sexual
stimulation and enjoyment.
Well, apart from therapeutic uses (eg
erection assistance), sex toys can drive the imagination (being taken by
a machine), provide variety (new ways to do old things), vary the
stimulating effects in otherwise normal sex (penis sleeves) and some can
provide experiences not possible with 'normal body parts' (particularly
vibrating sex toys and electro-stimulation).
Where To Start
If
you have not tried a sex toy before and don't yet have an idea of what
you might like, try one of the simpler vibrators first. Most probably
you will enjoy the experience and then start to wonder what other
delights can be found with more sophisticated vibrators and other sex
toys ...
If you then find you do enjoy sex toys try out a few others and find what suits you. Above all, have fun trying them out!
